26 Ways To Kill A Man With A Lemon

Water, Saxophone (yes), Dolly Parton Bluegrass, and Pen.

Today = Satire:

World, hang your head in sorrow. I don't know if you have been watching your own news, but the Good Green Earth has been betrayed by one of it's own. Miss California has fake breasts! Upon hearing this new, many of the masses shed a melancholic tear, for surely their God has left them. How can such a sinful, shameful crime occur in such a beautiful, lemon-drop and/or lollipop world? It cannot! World, please proceed to mourn. In fact, make light of this story on every single day of every single week. Follow in the footsteps of the glorious and fantastical Fox News. Let their beacon of stupidity shine out for all the nimrods of the Good Green Earth to follow. Unite for the dignity of all beauty pageants ever! In other news, a baby cat was born today with two different eye colors. This incredible phenomenon has caught the minds and hearts of Good Americans everywhere. Also, the economy is in the crapper and we are losing thousands of millions of dollars. 

America, stay classy! Ponder, don't even want to. 

I think it would be really cool to have some farm animal follow me around. Mary had her lamb. That girl had that one pig. And I, adding to the glorious tradition of platonic adolescent-farm animal love, will have a rooster. His name will be "Owl". He will follow me around, and perhaps a cute little diddy will be written about him. Perhaps he will meet a spider and they will make really awesome web-signs to tell the world how awesome he is. Whatever the matter, after about an hour and thirty minutes of fun-filled platonic adventure, he will have to be killed an eaten. The barbecue sauce, please. Ponder, 2 times 4 is 8 chicken breasts.

Twenty-Six Ways To Kill A Man With A Lemon.

I read a New Yorker comic recently:

Two men. At a bar. The one on the left is in a business suit, the one on the right in a leather vest, sunglasses equipped with a shady bald head. The man on the left says  "When life gives me lemons, I know 26 ways to kill a man with a lemon." I was like "ha ha!" 

1. -obviously- Skirt the lemon juice in the eyes of victim until he drops dead (may require more than one lemon).

4. Hurl seed at victims jugular, hoping the seed hits and splits the vein open. 

7. Attach lemon to thumb, use to poke the victim in the eye.

16. Find a stick. Spear the lemon with the stick and beat the victim using the stick as a blunt object.

20. Cook a fish with a slice of lemon on top. Then feed the entree to the victim and hope he/she chokes on the lemon slice.

26. Forget about the lemon and attempt to make friends with victim. Have life adventures, share bromance and become brothers-by-matching-tattoo. While the victim is getting his picture taken by the bridge, throw the lemon at victim so as to knock he/she off balance and into the rive. Preferably San Francisco. Then mourn loss. Then buy another lemon.